Open heart surgery is not something to take lightly. I can’t thank the Northwestern Medical staff enough. A special shout out to the nursing staff - they were simply amazing. This was not an emergency. It was a planned procedure (that’s what they call it - a procedure) to repair my mitral heart valve. All good now. As I look back to one week ago, there were some scary moments, more so for my family. All I could do was do what I was told. My family had to wait for the report from the surgeon. Then they had to look at me in ICU. “Geez, you look great. You’d never know you had surgery.” Are you kidding me? The surgical gown alone should give it away. I sent a picture of three IV’s, three drain tubes, pacemaker wires, remote transmitter and various electrodes attached to my chest and my buddy responds with “You look great. Can you now provide free Wi-Fi, Netflix and Pandora?”
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To work “8 Floors Up” it’s imperative that I stay in shape. I was asked, “How often do you work out?” I replied “Four to five days a week.” Then asked, “When do you nap?” And so the week began.
There’s something about the elevator ride that never disappoints, like when a person turned to their colleague and said, “Yeah, I got it wrong. It was a true mistake.” I’m not sure what a false mistake is either. When a lot of buttons are pushed, more gets shared. Imagine how brutal this conference call must have been. “How was the conference call?” “It was so boring; it was like listening to paint dry.” Then there is this voice mail strategy, “I’m not gonna leave a message for someone today; I’m gonna leave them a message on Monday.” Brilliant! I don’t know why, but riding up and down the building makes me think of the good ol days when I worked in Washington D.C. Then, my VP had his own greatest hits such as, “That is Unacceptable with a capital “A!”” It is said, statistics can say anything you want them to. During what one might call a “power lunch, this VP was in the middle of a passionate rant, though no one seemed to be tracking with him. So he decided to cite some statistical facts. “I’m telling you, if we launch this campaign, we can own the top tier of the market. Think about it. There must be at least 250 Fortune 100 companies.” Not by my count, but two of my colleagues agreed with him. Well at least he tried. Just like this professional who said to a client, “Throughout this whole process, we’re going to make a conceited effort to assist you.” “I should have washed my hair this morning, but my kids keep stealing my shampoo.” And so another “head-shaking” week from “8 Floors Up” started. On the ride up, my eyes widened when two people were complaining about the stupid questions they get at work. “I think we should be able to slap people when they ask the same question over and over.”
As we all know, craziness has no boundaries. Nor am I immune to stupid comments. While at the DMV, the breeding ground for aggravation, I, like everyone else, was awaiting my number to be called. And no one seemed to be leaving the counter. It was like they were completing a mortgage application. I don’t know why, but the experience reminded me of people who walk past their seat while boarding an airplane. I swear they think the seats are randomly numbered. Perhaps it is all random at the DMV. I heard “D108” followed by “B212” then “F319.” When my number was called up, I jumped and nearly screamed "BINGO!" Handing my form to the person behind the counter, she said, “Oh good, this should be a quick one.” And I replied, “I bet you’ve been waiting for a quickie all day.” The stare from over the rim of her glasses nearly melted my flesh. That’s not even close to the stupidest thing I’ve said. While my daughter was five years-old, we used to do tongue twisters, such as saying, “Toy Boat,” three times fast. We both struggled with that one as well as “Unique New York.” I never made it two in a row. At any rate, while on a sales call with one of my reps, the client wanted to know if we had many east coast clients, to which I responded, “We have a variety of clients in “Yew Nork.” Recognizing my twisting blunder, I said, “I’m sorry, I meant to say... “Yew Nork.” I couldn’t say New York to save my life. Now fighting the urge to laugh, I'm rehearsing, “New York, New York” in my head. I was certain I had it this time, but had to explain. I told the client about the my daughter and the tongue twisters. Deliberately talking as slow as I could, I said, “To get back on track, most of our clients are in Yew Nork.” I swear the rep and client thought I was having a stroke. I guess I should be happy we weren’t selling “Toy Boats.” It was a great start from “8 Floors Up.” Before I could add a splash of cream to my coffee, I overhear: “Is my response to that question good? I literally didn’t know what they were asking.”
That alone was enough for me to visit my archives and recall some of my favorite excuses, reasoning's and declarations. Such as, “Why can’t you come to work?” “I’ve been sick ever since I touched that pole in pole-dancing class. Now I have to drop out!” Admittedly, exercising is tough.It takes effort and dedication. But sometimes stuff happens: “Why did you quit going to the gym?” “Because I got mono.” “I thought it was because you had pink eye.” “No! I never had pink eye. No, I put hand sanitizer in my eye, which burned a lot. Then I got a headache and then threw up. And then I had vertigo.” Or we can’t get to the gym because of the weather: “The snow was brutal. It took me an hour and fifteen minutes to go ten minutes.” After a good workout, most of us are sharper and energized to hit the phones. Then some are...well.... “How many times have you spoke to the prospect?” “I’ve had at least three 45 minute conversations with them.” “What’s the name of the client?” “I don’t know. I couldn’t understand a lot of what he was saying.” Still after a dedicated effort, be it exercise or work, the results are going to come. Particularly if you lived on a farm, I guess... “I’m gonna have a great August. That’s when the cream rises to the crop.” I don't want to dedicate this blog entry to only the archives, particularly when I hear: “It’s hard and creamy. “What is?” “A plantain.” Another entertaining day on the 8th floor. Some days I just can’t write fast enough. As always these are all overheard and transcribed as best I can. Here we go:
“The woman in next cube had another sneeze attack. Seven in a row, each one louder than the last. I swear, I'm afraid the next one, she’s going to shart. What if she ate brussel sprouts?” Now for the news and a word some women apparently don't like. Due to the milder weather in the Midwest, there’s a chance for an outbreak of Lyme disease, hence this conversation: “Which is why I wear knee high white socks. That way I can see them and pick them off.” “Well if you do get them, you need to get chemicals involved quickly. They go for the groin and armpits. You know why? Well I can’t say.” “Why can’t you say?” “Because women don’t like that word.” "What word?”" "Moist.” Medical News: “I need to drink more water, because I’m nursing a kidney stone. I’m waiting for my little buddy to make an appearance.” Which reminded me of a oldie but goodie I heard some time back: "I have to leave early." "Why?" “I just passed a kidney stone and have to go pee in a cup. I hope I can go.” Finally, like any lunchroom there are challenges, but probably none more confusing than: "I can’t get into my banana." From where I sit, if it's funny, I have to write it down. And it would be wrong to keep these gems to myself. Of course we all say stupid things, including myself. If you want to read some of the stupid things I've said, you'll have to wait. They're coming. But first, here are a few of my faves.
In the lunchroom: Guy 1: "What are you having for lunch?" Guy 2: “A sandwich, a pudding cup and an orangutan.” Guy 1: “A what?” Guy 2: “An orangatun. You know, those little oranges.” Guy 1: “You mean a clementine.” Guy 2: “Yeah, one of those.” While on the elevator: Woman to Male Friend: "You remind me of the fox, from Disney’s “Fox & Hound” movie. Did you ever see it? Guy: “Nooo (increduously). As a kid I watched Adult movies.” Two Reps Talking Rep 1: “My mom uses those air freshners. But I don’t like the flavors she chooses.” Rep 2: “You know you’re not supposed to eat those.” Rep 1: “What? I’m not.” Rep 2: “You said flavor, not aroma or scent.” Rep1: “Well a flavor is still a scent.” After sixteen years at the same first floor office, we moved two miles away and 8 floors up. The move itself was nothing, nor was going from an office to an open cube environment. Well...hang on a sec! Actually, the open environment and the elevator ride up to this "Office Field of Dreams," has provided some hysterical cubicle comments. My cube is three steps off the kitchen. It's noisy, smelly and quite distracting and I wouldn't change places for anything. If I did, I'd miss hearing:
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AuthorI'm just a guy who likes to observe and create, If I'm not having fun, then I'm not living. Go Cubbies! ArchivesCategories |